Happy and Sad all in one day

Well, today is my sister's wedding Anniversary. I am truly happy for her and her Dh! Three years have gone by so quickly. I can remember her wedding with such fond memories. It was a lovely day!

Then I am sad too, this time last year, I was waiting to have an u/s, to find out that my beautiful daughter no longer had a heartbeat, and the greatest loss of my life to date. I miss you Avery Quinn Fischer. I long for you with all of my heart sweet little one. I will see you again someday....until we meet again, I will hold you in my heart. I love you my only daughter.

So you can have happiness and sadness all rolled into one......

Grief

Grief is a quiet thing
Deadly in repose.
A raging horror, a thunder of abuse.
Raucous - Demanding - Incomprehensible -
Tearing all that one has ever loved.
Hopeless,Forlorn,Fear-ridden and misunderstood;
Ceasing a moment, and through the years,
Returning...to destroy.
To rageTo curse all that is happy - Or contented,Or trusting.
To threaten every beauty that is true.Grief?
It's a quiet thing.-
Melba Colgrove, from How to Survive the Loss of a Love

Sad

Well yesterday I found out that Christian's services from EI would end in 10 days-or so I thought. I was ready to go into mediation, but I realized with the help of a good friend today, that our EI provider doesn't care about progress, they only care about where you are today. So, we are going to create our own home ABA program. No Mediation, no Due Process for us. Comes with a LOT of stress but it is so worth it for our little man to continue flourishing. So I have to line up interviews, set up the program and figure out how to pay people. My DH and I will be the main teachers with another teacher here and there. Just makes me emotional, these therapists have been a part of our lives over a year. Christian has spent the last 2 years of his life with therapists coming and going daily. It is sad to see it end, but good in some ways, right?

Now to find an OT!

xoxoxox until the next post.....

Every Day is like Sunday.....

I wish this statement were true. If every Day of my life was like Sunday, it would be three words, blissful, busy and sometimes boring. Sunday is the day to spend with family, go to church and get ready for the week to begin again (that's what makes it busy). I really like Sunday except for washing school clothes and planning for the school week all over!

Sunday is also the day that I feel like I can just relax. Nothing really goes on sometimes. I can just sit and do something quiet.

Happy Sunday tomorrow!

Hope

Well, loss can sometimes bring hope. Losing Avery makes me think of all that we have lost. The loss of a daughter, sister and friend. The loss of my sons having s sister to take care of, to play with, grow up with, the loss of all you do for a daughter, dances, sweet 16 and weddings, but then I think of all that Avery has. She has the love of God, the love of her family and she gets to live in the love of our Lord forever. She gets to be in His arms and close to His heart for all eternity. She gets heaven her whole life, none of the strife of Earth. She gets to spend time with her Grammy and Mom-Mom who will love her and keep her until we meet her at the end of time. This brings great hope. And when I think of Avery, I smile. I smile because I love my daughter more than my own life, and the time we spent together was precious. She gets to watch over me, watch me sleep and protect her brothers, mother and father. What other mother gets to say that? She brings me love and she brings me hope. Hope for my family, hope for the love that we continue to share in her absence and hope that she will breather her spirit into her next sibling and we can share her joy. We can share her hope. My spirit may not always soar, but as long as I have hope in my heart, love can continue to grow. Let it grow in your heart. And remember to have hope. May God Bless you.

Glory Baby, and breathe

These are the two songs I am listening to right now and if you read the words, they sum up my feelings at the moment. To anyone who reads this, yes I am Baby obsessed and I'll be the first to admit it.

Here we go: Just put Avery baby for Glory baby, ok!

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away When we’re home to stay Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you… You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard tounderstand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabiesand what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know

Here's my #2 Breathe:
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake. Winter just wasn't my season"Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyesLike they have any right at all to criticize,Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cableAnd life's like an hourglass, glued to the tableNo one can find the rewind button, girl.So cradle your head in your handsAnd breathe... just breathe,Oh breathe, just breatheMay he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.No one can find the rewind button, boys,So cradle your head in your hands,And breathe... just breathe,Oh breathe, just breatheThere's a light at each end of this tunnel,You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be outAnd these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them againIf you only try turning around.2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a songIf I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,Threatening the life it belongs toAnd I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowdCause these words are my diary, screaming out loudAnd I know that you'll use them, however you want toBut you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,And life's like an hourglass, glued to the tableNo one can find the rewind button nowSing it if you understand.and breathe, just breathewoah breathe, just breathe,Oh breathe, just breathe,Oh breathe, just breathe.

Right now I am just breathing. Take care

last week of January-where does the time go?

Well let's see, last week was only a little better than the previous week. It is COLD here, like freezing with 40 mile wind gusts. Too COLD for me....

Well, my heart is even feeling more heartbroken today. I opened my mail and found a CAN OF FORMULA. Now my kids all have been breastfed, but could the formula co remeber to take my name off the mailing list? My baby passed away months ago. How unkind! So the feelings of loss come up again. I think that will happen a lot in the next month or so. I wish I could prepare myself.

And missing my Mom-Mom is another heartache. She was the best. She loved us like noone else could. I miss her advice and her smile. If I could have just one more day.

Well, let me go listen to some music and try to heal my heart again.

weekly post

Well this week was up and down but mostly down.....

On Monday 1/14 Mom-Mom came home on hospice. On Tuesday evening, after visiting with all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren, she passed away. She leaves a legacy of love that is for sure. She will be missed.

Wednesday was spent with Mom and Co. doing stuff for the funeral. Making plans and getting ready...meeting with the undertaker, etc.

Thursday was a quiet kind of day. The kind of day you want to stay in bed but alas you cannot.

Friday was the funeral, Mom-Mom was beautiful! It was the nicest send-off you could ever ask for. Lots of love, good words, food and tears.

Friday was also Christian the amazing's Birthday. He is now 3! He is my miracle child and we took him to Friendly's to celebrate his special day. He had lots of fun!!

Saturday was spent cleaning, reminissing and some more crying. How we miss our Mom-Mom and how Mom, Me and Joanna had some fun just hanging out. We do not get to do that much anymore. Thanks Jo for the fun.

Sunday, another day of cleaning....

I'll stop rambling now and post more next week!

Heartbroken

Isn't it funny that the heart is the only organ you can live with BROKEN? Think about it, if you break a bone, it has to mend. If your heart is broken, you're still alive and it doesn't matter if it heals. Interesting.....

I am heartbroken. Deeply. We lost our daughter 3 months, 1 week and 2 daysago. My heart aches for her. To feel her kick, to see her little shining face. And I cannot -I will not until the end of time. And I have to accept it, this is the way it must go. But it saddens me, and I have to go on. To live, to love, to try and mend my broken heart......

Weekly post

Starting today, I will post a blog once a week. I may talk about what we did that week or just my thoughts. Just thought I'd put this out there.

Love to all!

Thoughts for today....

Happy 2008. 2007 flew by and I cannot believe 2008 is already here!

Well today I am in a funk of sorts. Not sure how I feel but sure have very specific feelings. I am praying that I am pregtnant again this month. I should be about 28.5 weeks along so having a need to be pregnant is looming BIG for me. I want to give our Avery another sibling to breathe her spirit into. I also want to have grandbaby #8 in 2008. I know this must sound silly but it is a true goal of mine.

I am cranky today. Not just tired but cranky, the kind you get annoyed with a 3 year old for. I am hopeful. Not just for new life but for an exciting year. One of the best years yet! I am hoping that my sister joins me on my pregnancy journey. A dream I have had since the day I started having children. A dream that I hopes becomes a reality.
I dream for a beautiful healthy baby that knows how much s/he is wanted and loved.

These are the thoughts for today. Oh, and Happy Sunday. You can have lots and lots of those in 2008.....